Fading Away


I have the honor of working in hospice, and don't consider someone 'old' until they've hit their 90s - so at 44, I don't imagine myself as actually old.  But, I'm certainly getting older.  Most people would agree as far as the physical part of getting older being not fun at all - that becomes clearer every day.  I joke that I'm meeting all the cliches - bald, need to lose weight, aches and pains.  Like, really bad aches and pains in my shoulder and knees, though not constant.   

Having lost my dad back in 2017, and having a lot of health struggles with my daughter, and finding that giving plasma twice a week is one of my few social engagements outside of work (it's really not even a social engagement) - and missing doing things with friends but recognizing that everyone has a million things going on as we get older - I often find myself trying to somehow revert back to childhood.  Rather, I find myself lost in the (good) memories of being a kid, having a loving home with parents who gave a lot of great experiences to myself and my sister - and desperately missing those moments.  

In the past year I've re-captured two of my childhood hobbies - remote control cars and Space Legos.  Both are a lot of fun to play with, but also painful - it makes me deeply miss doing those things as a kid without the concerns of adulthood. So I both love it and also recognize how much life has changed (as it does) since then.  

As we work on helping support our daughter, I've grown what I call my 'depression beard' - because I just have been too overwhelmed to do anything about it.  And as I am over 40 now, it was time that my eyes - which have always worked very well - to stop working at close distances.  I will say that I do like my progressives though, and it's nice to be able to see again.  That being said, growing way more hair on my face than I ever have, and now wearing glasses full time, my appearance has changed sort of dramatically in the past months.  

This photo is expressing the passing of time, by showing a current self-portrait of my holding one of my first every Space Lego sets from when I was 4 or 5 - and my vivid memory of first playing with it and how different life was then.  

I still have a lot to be grateful for - but it's also healthy to recognize change and that change can be painful and difficult.  Pretty much everyone knows this, and everyone could put themselves in a similar self-portrait with a similar toy.  So I welcome you to do so while taking a minute to look at my photo here.  

 

(Anxiety) אני יכול לא לזוז

 The Hebrew text translates "I'm not able to move," a self-portrait about anxiety.  


Homestead Hospice Home Closed (Owatonna) 8.23.2023

 Homestead Hospice Home is a hospice home in Owatonna, MN, which served the Owatonna area for 18 years, staffed by Allina Hospice.  Sadly, Allina will no longer be staffing HHH as of 8.21.2023 due to low census.  There are no words to describe the experiences had in these eight rooms over the past 18 years, but they are special rooms which hosted many holy and sacred moments.  These photos were taken on 8.23.2023 after a ceremony honoring the staff who served at HHH.  There is hope that the HHH will re-open with a new agency.